


Holding On For Dear Life

by islandgirl



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-20
Updated: 2014-11-20
Packaged: 2018-02-26 09:54:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2647616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/islandgirl/pseuds/islandgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>post 5.07 - Post incident, Steve is struggling to come to terms with loss of his father.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding On For Dear Life

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thank you to [officerruzek](http://officerruzek.tumblr.com/) who was not only my beta, but created the beautiful artwork for the story and the [soundtrack](http://8tracks.com/thisislandgirl/holding-on-for-dear-life).
> 
>   
>  [](http://s184.photobucket.com/user/csigurl13/media/HoldingOnForDearLifeBanner.png.html)   
> 

 

** Holding On For Dear Life **

 

Even as his finger is pulling the trigger, his world is slipping in and out of focus.  One minute he's staring at Wo Fat's bloodied face and the next he's sitting on the beach next to his father.  Steve collapses back on the floor feeling a flash of pain across his temple, but he doesn't pay much attention, too numb to care.  He stares up at the ceiling as the world shifts and jumps around him, changing from cold, wet tile to warm sand, from silence broken only the by the dripping of a pipe to the soothing rumbles of the ocean rolling in.  Steve can't keep track, mind slowly drowning in another dose of drugs. This time he gives in, too weak, exhausted, and confused to put up much of a fight.

 

A hand touching his arm snaps him back to awareness and Steve jerks upright hearing voices and movement around him.  He looks around with wild eyes as the faces hovering above him slowly come into focus.  It takes a minute for recognition to set in.  Danny and Chin.  His eyes sweep over the room and see Wo Fat's body a few feet away, Kono and Grover standing over him.  He's safe; it's over.

 

"Steve? You with me?" Danny is asking.  

 

His voice is fading in and out, echoing around Steve's head. The lights are flickering in his vision as he fights to stay in the present.  Danny's hand settles on the back of his neck and grounds him enough that he's able to nod.

 

"Yeah.  I'm alright," he gasps, eyes still bouncing around the room.  His heart is pounding in his chest and his lungs feel too constricted in his heaving chest.  He’s missing something, or _someone_ , but he can’t place it at the moment.

 

"You're all right, you're all right," Danny chants back at him softly as he runs his hand gently across Steve's bare shoulders.

_I'm glad you're home son_.  His father's voice sounds next to him and Steve jerks, looking over to Danny, then around him looking for his dad.  

 

"Where's my dad?" he asks.  When no one answers, he asks again.  "Where's my dad?  I wanna see my dad.  I wanna see him."

 

The look on Danny's face, the way he hesitates and looks over at Chin, it starts the fear churning in Steve's stomach.  When Danny looks back at him, his face is sympathetic and worried into a frown.  Steve feels his world start to shatter around him.

 

"Buddy, your dad died four years ago, okay?" Danny tells him softly, punctuating the sentence with a squeeze of Steve's neck.

 

"Okay,” Steve gasps out, nodding his head even though it's not.  There is nothing okay about this.  

 

He feels a sob welling deep in his chest and he tries desperately to keep it in.  The pain in his chest is too much, the magnitude of this sudden loss to great to bear. This pain won’t be ignored when Steve can still hear his father's voice in his ears, can still taste the beer that they shared, can feel the warmth of his father’s embrace.  It refuses to be pushed down and boxed away.  It’s demanding to be felt and Steve is helpless against it.  When the first sob escapes, he tries to pull away, wants to curl up and hide in his agony and misery, but Danny and Chin won't let him.  They hold him steady, Danny murmuring quietly to him, but what he actually says to Steve is lost to his sobs and the buzzing in his ears.

 

After a minute, Steve shakes his head and moves to push himself up.  He doesn't want to sit here on this cold, wet floor with two dead bodies only a few feet away.  He needs to get up and get out of here.  He needs to end this, to shut the book on this chapter of his life and figure out where to go from here.  

 

What he doesn't plan on is how weak his body actually is and the strength of the drugs still pumping through his system.  Chin and Danny help him to his feet, but the moment he's upright, the world dips and sways.  His knees buckle and it's only the others flanking him that keeps him upright.

 

Now that he's moving, every ache and pain in his body is coming back to life.  His head is throbbing and his stomach burning from the drugs.  His heart is beating too fast in his chest and his skin still tingles from the electrocution.  His whole body hurts, sharp and nagging.    

 

For a moment he considers sitting back down.  It feels like giving in, but his body won't work and his mind is still swimming with drugs.  Even as he looks at Danny, he can hear his father's voice and feel the warm sand beneath his toes.  It's only the sight of Wo Fat's body, however, that keeps him on his feet and pushes him to take a few shaky steps.  Chin and Danny move with him, arms supporting his sagging weight.  They try to keep him moving, trying to head towards the door, but Steve stops.

 

"Wait," he pleads quietly as they reach Wo Fat's body.  

 

He stares down at the body at his feet and tries to name the feeling swirling around his chest.  Pride maybe, or relief, for having finally ended this feud.  Wo Fat had tried to play dirty down to the last, calling him brother even as his own finger pulled the trigger.  There is anger there too, anger at Wo Fat for everything the man put him through and anger at his mother for being the cause of the tragedy that has become his life.  The feeling simmering too close to the surface though, is the grief; the grief of losing his father all over again, of losing the childhood image of his mother for good and finding out the myriad of lies she had been weaving for decades.  

 

His breath hitches in his chest as he stares down at Wo Fat's face, bloodied from their fight with a bullet wound dead center on his forehead.  Steve half expects him to pop back up, but he knows that this is it.  This is the end.  There is no coming back from a 9mm to the brain.  He releases a breath and nods, letting Chin and Danny lead him out of the room.

 

Kono leads them out with Grover covering their six.  Steve tries to keep his head up to see where they are going, but drops it to his chest after a moment.  Putting one foot in front of the other is taking all his concentration. With each step, the world is fading out more and more.  The adrenaline is wearing off and the drugs are taking hold again.  He can see Danny out of the corner of his eye, his lips moving as he leans close to Steve, but his voice is lost to the static filling up Steve’s head. He pins his eyes to the ground and pushes on, forcing one foot in front of the other as his vision grays out.

 

*H*5*0*

 

By the time they reach the outside, Steve is stumbling along more than actually walking.  He hasn’t responded to them since they pulled him away from Wo Fat’s dead body and out of the room.  They all keep glancing at Steve’s increasingly limp form and passing worried looks between themselves.  The moment they hit the cool evening air, Steve shivers violently, but he doesn’t respond any other way.

 

"Easy, babe," Danny whispers, arm tightening around his waist.  "Just a few more steps, okay?"

 

Steve doesn't answer except for wheezing out another breath.  They get him to the Camaro and Kono opens the door for them.  Danny takes most of Steve’s weight as they get him seated sideways on the seat.  Danny starts to pull back, but Steve topples forward, unable to hold himself up.  Danny and Chin catch him quickly, holding him upright as Kono appears before them holding a blanket.  She wraps it around Steve's upper body, her hands lingering on his shoulders for a moment before she steps back. Chin steps back too, leaving Danny kneeling on the ground next to Steve’s outstretched legs.

 

"How’re you holding up, buddy?” Danny asks, hands still clutching at Steve’s arms to keep him upright.

 

Steve blinks wearily at him, eyes glassy and far away.  He starts to nod his head, but he’s too weak to finish the movement. His head drops forward limply and doesn’t move again.

 

"Hey.  Hey Steve, stay awake, okay?  You gotta stay with us, babe," Danny jostles Steve slightly, moving closer to Steve’s listing body.  Steve tries to mumble something but it's inaudible.  His head rolls, coming to rest against Danny's shoulder.  His eyes are open; pupils blown wide as he stares blankly forward.  Danny looks up at Chin and Kono, worry clear on his face and he wraps his arms around Steve’s body and holds him close. “You’re okay, Steve. You’re okay.”

 

Grover steps up to them then, phone dropping from his ear.  He sighs quietly, running a hand over his head before looking up.  "Bus is five minutes out. CSU and the ME are on their way too.  How's he doing?"

 

To that, no one has an answer.  Chin just shakes his head and Kono keeps her eyes pinned forward, fingers clenching and unclenching around the strap holding her rifle. Danny has his eyes closed as he holds Steve, both arms wrapped around Steve's chest, his chin resting on the top of Steve's downturned head.  Of all the times they've seen Steve injured, in danger, or fighting for his life, this was certainly the hardest.

 

Danny keeps replaying that agonizing moment in his mind when Steve asked for his father, then the tortured look on his face as he tried to process the news.  Danny recognized the moment Steve’s world came crashing down. The moment when Steve's face screwed up in pain at the news that his father was dead, that he would never see or speak with him again.  The confusion and pain on Steve's face was so visceral that it broke Danny's heart right in two.  They had morphed into something else as Steve tried to collect himself, but it never completely left his face.  It was a look that Danny was never going forget.

 

*H*5*0*

 

"The Commander is doing fairly well considering what he's been put through," the doctor starts off, trying to ease their minds.  "According to his blood panels, he was given quite the cocktail of drugs; sedatives, hallucinogens, and heavy doses of sodium pentothal.    We've given him something to counteract the hallucinogens, but the rest is going to have to work its way out of his system over the next few days.  He's dehydrated and his blood sugar was very low when he was brought in.  Given that and the drugs in his system, it explains his near catatonic state when he arrived."

 

"Has he responded at all?" Danny asks hesitantly, watching the doctor's reaction closely.

 

"Not so far.  But as I said..."

  
"Yeah, the drugs and such," Danny utters, sighing.  "Besides that, how is he?"

 

"The Commander had a few deep facial lacerations that we stitched closed, one on his left temple and one above his left eye.  There was also a deep laceration on his left shoulder that required stitching as well.  He has a concussion and an orbital fracture under his left eye.  It's going to be quite swollen and painful for a while, but besides that, it should heal fine.  He also has several bruised and cracked ribs and several small burns across his chest and abdomen.  There doesn't appear to be any internal damage, but we will be monitoring him closely overnight to be sure."

 

"Can we see him?" Kono asks.

 

"For a few minutes.  Then I must insist that he get some rest."

 

"Sorry doc, but at least one of us is going to be here with him at all times.  Give what he's just been through, we are not leaving him alone."  Danny tells her, waiting for the fight he’s sure she's going to put up.

 

Instead, she surprises them all by nodding.  "Of course you can stay with him.  I'll inform the nurses on the floor."

 

*H*5*0*

 

Their first glimpse at Steve doesn't inspire much confidence that he's going to be okay.  Steve's eyes are close this time and he appears to be resting, but it doesn't look easy or peaceful.  He is ghastly pale with dark circles under his eyes and deep lines etched into his face like he's frowning or in pain.  

A bandage covers the gashes on his head, but already the skin around it is a deep purple and swollen.  It matches Steve’s cheek, all dark and puffy.  He's covered with a gown and blankets, only his arms sticking out, but even those show signs of bruises and scrapes.  Given the laundry list of injuries the doctor rattled off, it makes them wonder what the rest of Steve's body looks like.

 

Danny takes first watch and sends the rest of the team home for some much needed rest.  It has been a long day for all of them. They try to protest, but Danny refuses to be anywhere but at Steve's side for the remainder of the night.  With Steve's broken face still haunting his mind, Danny makes a promise to himself that he will be here when Steve wakes up.  He will deal with the confusion and whatever else comes with Steve's mind coming off the drugs.  The fewer that witness it the better.  It will save Steve some dignity.  If Danny sees him broken, it is okay, but Steve would hate for the rest of the team to see him while he's down.

 

Most of the night is peaceful, at least in regards to Steve.  Danny’s mind, however, is a whole other matter. He lounges in the chair by the window and watches the moon travel across the sky while his mind replays that scene over and over.  The moment when he walked into that room and thought that they were too late.  He remembers distinctly how his stomach had dropped and his heart clenched painfully in his chest at the sight of Steve’s lifeless body.  He just buried Mattie; he can’t lose anyone else.  That fear is still settled in his chest and won’t budge even though Steve is sleeping only a few feet from him.  It won’t leave until he sees with his own two eyes that, even after all of this, Steve is well and whole and has landed on two feet once again.

 

Sleep is something that isn’t in the cards for Danny, but that’s okay.  He watches Steve’s chest rise and fall and that’s enough. As long as Steve is taken care of, nothing else matters to him at this point.

 

*H*5*0*

 

Steve wakes in waves and slow blinks.  Danny sees it coming from a mile off and does his best to collect his rampant emotions and push them away.  He pulls the chair closer to the bed so he’s in Steve’s line of sight first thing and watches the weary bob of Steve's eyelids as his sluggish mind tries to wake up. One minute Steve is a blinking zombie and the next he's awake, fully aware, eyes searching his surroundings frantically.  They land on Danny and he calms, but he still seems tense.

 

"Hey there babe.  You with me?"  Danny asks softly, reaching out to gently squeeze Steve's arm.

 

Steve nods and blinks again.  He searches the room, this time turning his head slightly so he can take the whole room in, then he turns back to Danny with a frown.

 

"Where’s my dad?"  Steve croaks.

 

Danny's heart falls.  He takes a deep breath and squeezes Steve's arm in sympathy.  "Look at me, Steve.  Do you know who I am?"

 

Steve looks at him confused before he nods.  "Danno," he confirms.

 

"Good.  What about the year?"

 

Steve's face scrunches up in concentration before he shakes his head.  Danny swallows nervously, suddenly unsure if he should get the doctor or if he should tell Steve the truth.  For a moment he's terrified Steve has amnesia or he suffered some type of brain damage from all the drugs and the concussion.  Steve, however, makes the decision for him.

 

"My dad, he's okay, right?"

 

Danny sits on the edge of the bed so he's facing Steve.  "I'm sorry, Steve.  Your dad died four years ago, babe."  

 

For a moment, Steve doesn't react, and then it's like an instant replay of the scene from hours ago.  Steve's face scrunches up in confusion and pain, eyes going glassy with tears.  This time though, a low whine, like from a wounded animal, escapes.  Steve tries to turn his face away, but Danny won't let him.  He moves so he can pull Steve against him and hugs him close to his side.  After a moment, Steve fists a hand in Danny's shirt, pressing his face into Danny's side and begins to sob.  They are deep, wretched sobs; pain flooding from wounds that never healed.

 

Danny holds him close, gently rocking Steve through the sobs and the tears until Steve is spent. Eventually, Steve pulls away, eyes red and swollen after he wipes his face.  He lays back on the bed, but won't make eye contact with Danny, just stares straight up at the ceiling. He’s not unresponsive like before, this time it’s McGarrett tough-guy stubbornness all the way.

 

"I'm sorry, Steve," Danny offers, but Steve just shakes his head.  "Do you remember what happened to your father?"

 

Steve nods his head, another tear leaking out of the corner of his eye.  "Whatever they gave me," Steve whispers, "I thought my dad had survived that day, that I came home to be with him."

 

Danny nods solemnly, not sure how to respond.  It makes sense now why Steve had asked for his father first thing.  And why hearing his father was dead elicited that kind of response from the normally stoic man. 

 

"Why don't you try to get some rest? We can talk more in the morning.  I'll be right here." 

 

Danny stays seated on the edge of Steve's bed, one hand holding Steve's while the other rests atop his head.  He stays there until Steve finally gives in and falls to sleep.  He stays there even when the nurses come in and out to check on Steve.  He stays there even as the sun begins to rise. He made Steve a promise and he's not going to break it.

 

*H*5*0*

 

"Hand me that wrench, son."

 

Steve jerks in surprise as he opens his eyes and finds himself in his garage.  He's standing in front of the Marquis, two beer bottles in his hands as his father leans under the opened hood.  Steve hesitates, staring at his father's back as he works.  There is something off, something wrong, but he can't place it.  After a moment, his father stands up and turns around, wiping his hands off on a rag as he looks at Steve.

 

"Everything all right, Stevie?" he asks, bruised face turning down into a frown.

 

"Yeah, it's fine," Steve says, forcing a smile on his face as he crosses the space between them and hands a beer to his father.

 

"You're right, time for a break," John grins up at him as he leans against the Marquis's fender. 

 

Steve eases his sore body down on the stool and stares down at the bottle in his hands.  He can't place it, but this feels wrong, like he should be somewhere else instead of sitting here with his father.  He can't explain all the aches and pains in his body either.  Sure, their run in with Wo Fat wasn't a walk in the park, but it wasn't enough to explain how tired and weak he felt.

 

"You're thinking too loud," his dad muses, as he reaches out and squeezes Steve's shoulder.

 

Steve looks up again and shakes his head, trying to push everything else away.  He wants to enjoy this moment with father, knowing there won't be many more like it.  He has to leave in a few days, go back to his SEAL team and his life with the Navy.

 

"What's going on inside your head, son?"  John asks, sitting down on a stool next to Steve.

 

"Something is off," he answers quietly.

 

"That Wo Fat business?  Son, you know as well as I do that not every case is going to be wrapped up nice and neat."  John shrugs, taking a drink from his bottle before he continues.  "There are always questions that don't get answered.  You can't know someone's mind no matter how hard you try.  What I do know is that was some damn fine police work by you and Danny Williams.  I'm proud of you son."

 

Steve nods mutely, staring down at the bottle in his hands.

 

"I know this isn't exactly how you wanted to come home, but it's what we have.  I, for one, am glad I got to see you again, Stevie.  It's been too long."

 

"Yeah, it has been," Steve answers, finally looking up at his father and managing a small smile.  "I've missed you, Dad."

 

"I missed you too, buddy."  John wraps his arm around Steve's shoulders and pulls him close, holding on tight.  "I know you have to leave soon. It's going to be hard, but you're going to be okay, son.  I promise."

 

Steve nods, resting his head against his father's shoulder, feeling like a little kid again basking in his father's love.  Steve only moves enough to pull his father into a proper hug and holds on tight.  He can feel tears forming in his eyes, slowly leaking out of the corners of his eyes.  He's not sure, but he thinks his father might be tearing up a bit too.

 

"You're okay, Steve."

 

Steve startles at the sound of Danny's voice and opens his eyes, confused.  He looks around desperately, blinking owlishly as he takes in the hospital room.  No mid-afternoon sunshine, but the first rays of dawn crawling over the horizon.  No warm air and familiar garage around him but stale, chilly air and four drab, unfamiliar walls.  The only familiar thing in the room is the person hovering an arm's length away to his left.  Danny.  

 

Steve lets out a breath, feeling like he's been kicked in the chest.  He can feel the loss of his father again keenly.  He closes his eyes and tries to collect himself, tries to get his thoughts in order once again.  This is reality, a reality he is quickly growing to despise, but reality all the same.  A reality where he was too late to save his father, a reality where is mother is alive and keeping secrets, a reality where he shared a mother with the man who's been gunning for him for years.

 

He can feel Danny shifting uncomfortably and opens his eyes to look at him.  It's only then that he realizes Danny is talking to him, still keeping his distance.  And the only reason he is keeping that distance is because it's Steve's own arm keeping him away.  Quickly, Steve drops his arm back to the bed and leans his head back against the pillows.  He covers his face with a hand and finds tears on his face.

 

"You with me again, buddy?" Danny questions hesitantly, easing a hip onto the bed but not touching Steve just yet.

 

"Yeah," he croaks, quickly trying to rid his face of the tears there.  He's surprised, and embarrassed, to feel a tissue being pressed into his hand.  When he dares to look up, he sees no judgment on Danny's face, just concern.

 

"Do you want something to drink?  You haven't had anything to drink in a while," Danny asks, already standing up from the bed to pour Steve a cup of water.

 

The drink is most welcomed, but it doesn't do much to ease the ache in his throat or the hoarseness of his voice.  Screaming for hours on end caused it and only rest will cure it.

 

"How are you feeling?" Danny dares to ask, keeping some space between them as he takes a seat in the vacant chair by the bed.

 

Steve shrugs his shoulders for a moment, taking stock of how his body feels.  His head is pounding and his face aches.  His ribs are painful and it feels like his body is covered in tender bruises.  All in all, it could be worse, he knows.

 

"Sore," he answers honestly, watching the surprise flit across Danny's face for a moment before he nods.  "I'm okay though, Danno.  Could've been worse."

 

At that, Danny flinches and looks away.  "Yeah, I know."

 

"Danny..."

 

"We thought the worst when we opened that door and found you lying on that floor," Danny tells him quietly.  He's looking right at Steve, emotions brewing just under the surface.  "I thought I had lost you.  If that bullet had traveled a few centimeters to the right, we would be planning a funeral right now."

 

Steve nods.  He remembers pulling the trigger, but nothing after that.  He knew, in his few lucid moments sitting there strapped to that chair, that there was a big possibility he wouldn't make it out alive.  Whether or not anyone else realized it, Steve had come to terms with it a long while ago; the only way the feud between he and Wo Fat would end was if one of them was dead. And when it had come down to it, Steve had looked him right in the eye and showed Wo Fat he wasn’t afraid to die.

 

It is in this moment, though, at the quick glimpse of raw pain on Danny’s face, that he realizes just how hard all of this has been on his ohana.  His family getting hurt, that was something he had never intended.

 

*H*5*0*

 

Steve is dozing a while later when there is a soft knock on his door.  He hears Danny moving, but Steve can’t muster up the energy to open his eyes just yet so he let’s Danny deal with it.

 

“How is he?” he hears Kono whisper.

 

“All right, considering,” Danny answers quietly.  “Sleeping on and off, which is good.  He needs it.”

 

“We bought you guys some breakfast, figured you hadn’t eaten yet,” Chin adds.  A rustling bag accompanies his voice.

 

He hears Danny sigh contentedly. “Thanks for the coffee.”

 

“We can leave and come back later,” Chin offers.  “They wanted us to get Steve’s statement, but I don’t want to wake him up.”

 

“It’s okay, guys,” Steve mumbles, finally opening his eyes and sitting up.  He watches as all three of them turn towards him, startled by his sudden consciousness.

 

"How are you boss?" Kono asks, coming over to wrap her arms around him in a tight hug.

 

"I'm all right," he tells her, tells all of them.

 

"It's good to see you, brah" Chin gives his arm a squeeze.

 

"We brought you breakfast."  Kono tells him, pointing to the drink carrier in Chin’s hands.  "Your nurse said you’re cleared to eat if you’re up to it."  She smiles as hands him a foam cup and a straw.  "The McGarrett smoothie as the barista called it, everything but the kitchen sink with extra spinach, just like you like it."

 

"Sounds great, thanks," Steve manages a weak smile as he pushes the straw through the lid.  He’s hesitant at first, remembering the burning pain in his stomach from the drugs and the accompanying nausea.  Kono is right though, it's his favorite smoothie to order and there is no nausea chewing up his insides at the moment.  He takes a sip and sighs as it goes down easily.

 

“Your nurse also said if the smoothie goes okay, we can bring you real food later,” Kono informs him with a smile, kicking her booted feet up on the end of his bed. Steve only nods to her in response.

 

He works on his smoothie as the rest of the team drinks their coffee and works on their own breakfasts.  They make small talk, but their eyes keeping flicking to Steve.  Not out of curiosity, but out of concern.  He can see it written on their faces.  He knows this shook them; it’s shaken him too.  So he does his best to smile and concentrates on finishing the smoothie, even though he's exhausted and wants nothing more than to close his eyes again.

 

After a while, the small talk winds down and they've finished their breakfast.  Steve looks down at the empty shake cup and is surprised to realize he drank it all.  He can see it Danny's eyes too, when he leans over to collect Steve's garbage; he hadn't expected to actually keep food down.

 

Steve knows that they need his statement, but given the tension he can see in Chin and Kono’s bodies, he knows they are working up the courage.  He decides to start for them.

 

"I'm sorry," he tells them, catching them all off guard.  Before they can say anything or react, he plows on.  He needs to do this now or he may never screw up the courage to face it again.  "I'm sorry you guys had to see that and I'm sorry for everything that this thing with Wo Fat has put you all through.  It hasn't been easy, for any of us.  But it's over now.  It's finally over."

 

"Did he say what he wanted?"  Chin asks.  He's leaning forward in his chair as he looks at Steve.

 

"Yeah, he uh, he wanted to know where his father was.  He thought given how much I had investigated him and Doris that I would know."  Steve shrugs, then winces as it jostles his ribs.  "I don't, though.  I had no idea that the government was holding him until Wo Fat said it."

 

They sit in silence for a few minutes while they digest that.  Danny gives Steve a reassuring smile and squeezes his arm.  "We're just glad you're okay, relatively speaking.  Everything else we can deal with later."

 

"They were drugging me."  Steve leans his head back against the pillows and stares up at the ceiling.  He can feel tears building in his eyes at the mere thought of his father.  He doesn't want to go through this again, but his team needs to know.  "I don't know what they were giving me, but it was messing with my mind, my memories."

 

"The doctor told us it was a combination of sedatives, hallucinogens, and sodium pentothal," Danny supplies, knowing Steve will do better having the facts on his side.

 

"That would mess with anyone's mind, Steve," Kono says gently.

 

"Yeah," Steve sighs.  That would definitely explain it.  "When I was out of it, I thought my dad was alive.  I thought I had saved him and came home to Hawaii to be with him and solve the case.  That's why I..." Steve's throat closes up and the words are lost in the hitch of his breath.  He fights hard to keep the tears at bay in front of his team, but the pain of losing his father is too fresh for him to bury it completely.

 

"Hey, hey," Danny whispers quietly, voice close to Steve's ear.  Danny's arms are around his shoulders again, grounding him as he battles his emotions.

 

"I'm okay," Steve croaks out, wiping a hand across his face.  "I'm okay."

 

"I know, you're okay," Danny replies back reassuringly.  

 

When Steve opens his eyes, he sees Danny smiling gently at him.  Not far away he can see Kono and Chin leaning forward in concern, but they smile reassuringly when they see his face.

 

"You've been through a lot, babe.  It's going to be hard, but you're going to be okay.  I promise."  Danny pulls back far enough so he can make eye contact with Steve.  "And we, your ohana, are going to be right here.  Okay?"

 

"Yeah," Steve whispers, taking a deep breath and feeling a little more centered than he has in a while.  "So what about the case?"

  
"Take it easy, Steve," Chin laughs, leaning back in his chair.  "We can get to that later.  No rush."

 

"Chin's right, babe.  We can take care of everything later.  For now, why don't you just rest, okay?  We'll be right here when you wake up."  Danny reassures him, already lowering the head of the bed to a more comfortable position.

 

Steve wants to protest.  He needs to find out about the Moreau case and give them a detailed statement about his kidnapping and time in Wo Fat's clutches.  He needs to find out if the Governor has been debriefed and if IA is going to be investigating the shooting.  He needs to find out if Mary knows anything about this or if she's still blessedly in the dark.  There is a lot to do and he can rest later.  His body, however, is in agreement with Danny and is beginning to betray him.  He can feel his eyes bobbing as he tries to glare up at Danny who just smirks.  

 

He hasn't said it, but he's worried about what he will be dreaming about when he finally gives in.  Whether he will relive those moments of Wo Fat's questioning or some other dark piece of his past, or if he will be thrust back into the bright, warm world where his father is still alive and smiling at him with pride in his eyes.  And if he's honest with himself, Steve's not sure which is worse.  Either way, he knows that when he wakes, Danny and the rest of his ohana will be right there, ready to help him.  That's how Steve knows he'll eventually be okay and what finally allows him to close his eyes again and rest peacefully.

 

*H*5*0*

 

Danny drives him home the next day in near silence.  Steve just sits in the passenger seat of the Camaro and tries not to compare the world he hallucinated with reality.  The afternoon sun is slowly sinking down towards the horizon when they pull into the driveway.  He can feel Danny's eyes on him as he stares at the garage. All the questions Danny wants to ask are filling up the space in between them.  Danny has been with him every step of the way through this, worked him through every confusing waking moment and embarrassing emotional fit.  Danny's been a rock, but Steve can't talk about this anymore, can't face Danny right now.

 

He unlatches the seatbelt and swiftly exits the car, refusing to acknowledge Danny's sigh.  His breath hitches in his chest at the sight of the garage, but he pushes the swelling emotions back down as he rushes forward.  The moment he steps into the house, it's like sensory overload, different times and different worlds colliding right before his eyes.  He can hear his father's deep rumbling voice, his mother’s light laughter and Mary's giggles.  Sixteen years of family dinners and skinned knees and learning to throw a perfect spiral, it all comes rushing at him head on.  

 

His chest seizes up and suddenly Steve can't draw in a breath.  He stumbles blindly through the darkening house until he reaches the back door.  His fingers fumble with the lock and then he's pulling them open with enough force to make the hinges creak.  Steve doesn't stop though, he keeps moving until he hits the damp sand and finally collapses to his knees.  There are sobs building in his chest that he wrestles for control.  He won't go this route again, he won't lose control again.

 

After a minute, he hears footsteps behind him and isn't that surprised to see Danny's feet next to him.  He's shed his shoes and is standing barefoot in the sand.  He doesn't say anything, just stands there facing the ocean and let's Steve have the minute to control himself.

 

"Need a hand up?" he asks after a minute to which Steve just shakes his head.  He has no intentions of moving from this spot.  Shifting, he moves so he's sitting, fingers still clutching at the sand.  Danny sits next to him and hands him a bottle of water.  When Steve just stares blankly at him, Danny shrugs.  "Doc said no alcohol for a few days."

 

Steve takes the bottle of water in his sandy hands but makes no move to open it.  He just stares out at the ocean turning a brilliant shade of orange as the sun begins to set and tries his best not to think of his last conversation with his father in this very spot.

 

"It's okay to say it, ya know," Danny tells him, leaning his shoulder against Steve's.  When Steve doesn't respond, he presses forward.  "It's okay to miss him.  We've all lost someone, Steve."

 

At Danny's words, Steve feels his heart seize up in his chest once again.  He tries to blink away the tears that rush to his eyes at the thought of Danny losing his brother, of Chin losing Malia, of him losing his father.  The grief demands to be felt, though.  Steve can still feel the weight of his father's arms around him as they hugged, still hear his father's voice crystal clear in his mind, still see the vivid bruising on his father's face as he smiled at Steve.  How can his father have been gone for four years when he talked to his father a day ago? 

 

Logically, he knows his father died four years ago in the house behind him.  Steve had learned to live with that, had pushed that grief down and put the anger to use in finding his father's killer.  Now though, it's all come rushing back.  He's back to expecting to see his father come out of the house holding a beer or see him standing in the garage staring at the puzzle that is the Marquis.  He thinks of all the time he wasted being mad at his father for something a sixteen year old could never understand, precious time that Steve would give anything to have back now.

 

"I want my dad," he whispers, dropping his head to his chest as the tears burn his eyes.  He blinks hard and breaths deep trying to keep the rest of them at bay.  It doesn't work, though, he can feel them slowly trailing down his cheeks.

 

"I know, babe," Danny murmurs, pulling Steve against his side and holding him tight.  "You never got a chance to grieve for him, you were too busy trying to catch Hesse.  From what I know of your father, though, he would be proud of you.  Hell, he _was_ proud of you."

 

"It's not enough," Steve says, heart slowly breaking apart in his chest.  It's not enough to believe his father would be proud of the man he's become.  It's not enough to hold some real, good memories and few fake ones in his mind to get by on.  It's not enough to look at pictures.  The only thing he wants is the one thing he can't have, to have his father hug him again like he did the last time.

 

"It never is," Danny tells him.  "But unfortunately, it's going to have to be.  I'm sorry."

 

Steve nods.  He knows Danny understands.  Grief is never the same for anyone, but Danny gets it.  He gets what it's like to still expect to see his brother or get a call from him.  His loss is still new enough that he doesn't talk about it, but when he slips, he talks about his brother in the present tense before he catches himself.

 

"I'm all right," Steve utters, again.  Maybe if he says it enough, one day it will eventually be true.  He can see that Danny doesn't believe him.  

 

"No you're not," Danny says, anger edging his voice.  It's not anger directed at him though, Steve knows.  Danny is still holding him gently, running a hand soothingly up and down his back.  The anger is about everything else in Steve's screwed up life.  "You're going to be though.  We're going to make sure of that."

 

Everything is still too fresh and raw for anything about this ... experience to have healed.  Finding out another layer of lies his mother laid, grieving over his father, healing from another bout with Wo Fat; it's going to take a while before Steve finds his own two feet firmly on the ground again.  Knowing that Danny and the rest of his ohana have his back and will see him through this makes Steve breath a little easier.

 

"Come on, let's get inside.  Chin and Kono will be here soon with dinner."

 

Danny eases away from Steve and stands up, brushing the sand from his pants.  When he sticks a hand out to help Steve up, Steve allows it.  Danny doesn't let him go right away, but instead pulls Steve into a hug, wrapping his arms tight around Steve.  He holds on for a moment, pulling Steve's head down to the crook of his shoulder.

 

“I can’t do this alone,” Steve whispers.

 

"You don’t have to. I'll be right here, okay.  I'm always right here.  I promise."

 

*H*5*0* 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! You can listen to the soundtrack [HERE](http://8tracks.com/thisislandgirl/holding-on-for-dear-life).


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